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Is Peace Through Grief Possible?

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Did peace come to you clothed in a white sheet with arms spread wide in comforting acceptance? Did she kneel next to your wilted body and dry your tears? Did peace lay in wait day after day holding your hand through the storm? Did she walk the dirt road inhaling the the stormy air with you? When the rain was so thick and heavy did she share her umbrella? Is peace there with you now, or is peace a distant friend who never says hi anymore? I never really knew peace; she was really more of an abstract idea than something actually tangible. I never felt her presence, I never knew her embrace, and I never had been friends with peace.

I remember seeking out peace after I lost my son. I bought tons of grief books, read lots of bible verses, and prayed lots of prayers. Peace never walked up to me and acquainted herself to me, but nearly three years later I finally noticed a sparkle of peace that seemed to have blossomed through my heartache. It didn’t dawn on me in this grand way, but in a small way through giving back to my own cause.

I realized after starting my blog, giving advice to others, and doing for others, that intrinsically I was rebuilding my heart with peace’s help; she handed me the bricks while I stacked them. She grasped my hand as I was asked, ” how I do it.” She gave me the calm I needed to carry on and rebuild.

Peace will come and greet you when you least expect it. She isn’t loud and pushy, rather gentle and shy. If you ever find yourself walking the path and notice the sun shining, if you realize you’re rebuilding, if you realize a small piece of you isn’t so angry then you may have met peace. You might not be friends yet, but one day you might just be.

Behind the Scenes Look into My Heart

I, from the bottom of my heart, feel like I need to really be honest, especially if I expect to have a successful blog. So, here it is, the truth. This is a behind the scene look at parent who has lost a child. I hope I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings by posting this, but I have to be true to my message, blog, and myself. Let me start by saying I understand we’re all busy, but I’ve learned if something means anything to you, you’ll make time for it. I didn’t reach out because of the agony I was in. Sometimes you can want to reach out so bad, but this cloud of dread inside of you won’t allow you to. I was in a cloud of anxiety and deep depression. I couldn’t reach out and I wish someone else had.

 

Two and a half years ago I lost my son, Callan, to congestive heart failure. Anyone who knows me knows this fact, but what you don’t know is the behind the scenes exclusive I’m about to give you. I’m going to give you the deep inside look into a grieving mom’s heart, and then I’m going to ask you some very tough questions. These questions aren’t to drive you away, but to make you think and reevaluate some things. I really kind of wanted to do a video for this, but I convey deeper meaning through the written word than my voice, so let me start.

 

It’s been two and a half years since I last held my first child. The last time I saw my child he was cold and in a box. He had makeup on to make him look like an angel. I remember this day. I remember the tears. I remember the everything before the service. I also remember the ungodly amount of people who were there. I remember the outpour of support in which I’ll forever be grateful, and this post is NOT meant to diminish the real love I felt during this time, but rather something to make you think that this time isn’t the only time someone dealing with loss needs support. I remember the love and I also remember I was in clear shock for about nine months after this. I remember everything being fuzzy and not feeling anything but tears coming from my eyes. I remember being pregnant and dealing with two hospital trips because I almost lost my rainbow due to stress. I remember burying my first child while I was carrying my second. I also remember the promises everyone told me. I remember people said they’d be there for me. I remember about thirty friend requests from people I barely knew. I remember flowers, food, and promises, but the promises and food faded away. The flowers wilted and died. Then I was left alone. I was left to emotionally fend for myself. My demons didn’t attack me full on while I was in shock because my mind protected itself by sleeping for twenty hours a day. For nine months, I was held in a cocoon of protection, and then I got a teaching job.

The second behind the scene look is after the shock wears off. I got my first real contracted teaching position and was so grateful. Then I tunneled out of the protective cocoon into the real world again. My memory was so bad I would forget what I was saying when I was saying it. Imagine never to be able to really get your point across because you’re battling your mind and tongue. I had such a bad time at my job and was made to feel so horrible I nearly committed suicide. I realized the pain I was skipping out on with the shock and sleep protection cocktail and couldn’t deal with the ridicule and the isolation. By this point I’d noticed people had stopped crowding around me as much. I had a new born baby and I’m pretty sure along with deep depression, I was probably suffering from post-partum depression. I realized months later I had the symptoms of PTSD, but never was diagnosed. I remember one day telling my husband I had to quit my job because of how it made me feel. I remember I almost made him drive me to a mental hospital and commit me so I could get the help I needed. The shock wearing off is so much more painful than the initial months. I needed the support then. I didn’t ask for help, but nobody checked up on me either. Nobody asked how I was doing much like now. Nobody brings Callan’s name up or keeps his memory alive. Nobody really seems to take my blog or my posts about grief seriously. I’m wondering why all my friends call me a friend when they literally know so little about me. Everyone left. I had my best friends until recently. Now I feel like, aside from the people who share my blood or share a kid, I’m alone. I’ve come to understand that the time for food, flowers, and promises for a shoulder isn’t when it first happens, but it’s down the road when people drop like flies.

People say I’m so strong, but turn their heads when they see I’m about to break. I realize we’re all adults, and we’re all busy, and everyone has a valid excuse for not being there, but the reality is this; if you love something you make time for it. Nobody seems to do that for the grief stricken. We sit alone, cry alone, and pray alone. I realize people are scared of me because of the real possibilities I bring to light. I’m the boogey man in the corner of people’s mind. I just wish people knew I didn’t grow an extra head. I’m still me, just sadder and angrier.

 

This post isn’t to publicly criticize any of the people who know me or who showed support once upon a time ago, but to bring to light the real problem people dealing with grief go through every day. Loneliness. If my husband and child weren’t there to stop me a year and a half ago, you might have been attending my funeral. If you had, would you have regretted anything? What would you change? I hope this post makes EVERYONE realize what real agony the grief stricken go through. I’m much better now, so don’t worry about me now. I just want you to really really look at this as a learning opportunity. If you call yourself a friend to someone who is grieving, reach out more than just once, and later on in the journey as well. Reach out to someone three months, seven months, a year, and even ten years out. I assure you asking if they are ok will mean more to them than you could ever know. You might have saved their lives.

 

And by the way, I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there at the beginning. Just know it’s not only the beginning that we need people there for.

I Need a Superhero

 

While listening to a song it came to me. The lyric mentioned needing a hero, and I thought back to the first year and a half of this torturous journey. I remember needing a hero to save me from the dark. I’d been blinded by shock, grief, and confusion. I was floating in despair and didn’t know how to get out of the hole I’d fell into. I remember begging for a savior. I remember begging for a hero. Then after a long while I realized I had to be my own savior. I had to pull myself up and protect the rest of what I had left. How did I become my own hero? I realized no one had the powers or the know how to make it better for me. I had to realize I couldn’t blame others for not making me feel better because they don’t know how. I had to understand that people are human and don’t have the capabilities of doing what I was asking of them to do. Superheroes are supernatural and I couldn’t expect someone close to me, or anyone for that matter to magically fix my heart, my issues, and my past. It’s not fair to ask something impossible out of a human. So, now I know that I can’t wait around for a superhero to mend me back together; I now know I have to mend myself. I have to look into myself and ask what I really need at the moment and fix that particular thing one at a time. Heroes exist, but not in the capacity I expected. Look deep into yourself and find the motivation and inspiration to become your own savior. It’s hard but necessary.

 

60 Bucket List Ideas for the Preoccupied

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What would you do if you could actually give life the bird and do what you want? You can, kinda. I have so many excuses for why I cannot do the things that are on my bucket list, but then I realized life is SO short, and the world is SO big. There are things I feel I need to do, so I looked at myself real hard and decided I was going to start working on my list once more.

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The things I decided I needed to change in my perspective was the fact that I didn’t have time or energy. That is an excuse. If you want something bad enough you can do it, so then I started to plan time for checking things off of my bucket list. I went on Pinterest and created a board called bucket list done, transferred the pins I’ve already accomplished from the bucket list to do board to the bucket list done board, and then started picking pins I could actually accomplish from my to do board to move over to my done board. I kind of made it like a game to see if I could move all of the pins over.

At my daughter’s first birthday, we had a helium tank to blow her balloons up. Seeing as I’d never breathed in helium and talked like a chipmunk, I saw this as a grand opportunity to knock this off of my list.

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I LOVE anything Disney, so for my daughter’s first birthday I took the chance and made her first birthday a whole Disney mash. A part of the party was Alice In Wonderland. I’d always wanted to paint roses red, so I did.

The back corner are artificial white roses I painted to look Alicey.

 

In college, at one of the sorority sister nights we had, we mattress surfed. It was an unintended check off and way before all of my life problems in my twenties, but it still counts!

 

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Did you know, you actually CAN be in 4 places at once? Yep, and the place you go to do that is 4 corners. I’ve done it! It’s where the borders of Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, and Arizona meet. If you put one foot in one space, the other in another space, and both hands in the other two spaces, you’ve just been in 4 states at the same time! I was about ten when I did this and again was unintended. Most of the ways I’ve marked things off are unintended, so you know you can just find the opportunity to fulfill your bucket list and succeed!

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Don’t let yourself talk yourself out of experiencing life because you deserve better than that. There are SO many things to do in the world and I, for one, have a thirst for all of it. Below is a list of bucket list ideas you can look out for to easily cross off until you have to opportunity to work up to the major ones, but don’t put off the big ones either. Make time for them ALL. Be the person who says, “Oh that? Yeah I’ve done that too and it was Exhilarating!” Be the person that looks at your grief and gives it the bird. Tell yourself while you’re here, you should go for it!

60 BUCKET LIST IDEAS FOR THE PREOCCUPIED

  •  Go a day without ANY technology
  • Volunteer at an organization you’d love to be a part of
  • Try fried oreos
  • Try rock climbing
  • Join a gym and go at least 3 times a week
  • Take a road trip
  • Mattress Slide
  • Visit a place you’ve always wanted to go
  • Carve your names in a tree
  • Explore a cave
  • Take salsa dancing lessons
  • Do indoor skydiving
  • Save money and book a trip
  • Figure out how & do the splits
  • Get a 4.0 all throughout college
  • Go back to college
  • Jump into a pool full of sugar free jello
  • Learn to accept yourself
  • Quit caring about other’s opinions
  • Learn archery
  • Catch and release fireflies
  • Send up a lantern and a wish
  • Learn sign language
  • Try a paint slip and slide
  • Start a foundation in memory of someone you lost
  • Look at life from a new perspective
  • Go to Comic Con
  • Run a 5k
  • Go on a mission trip
  • Pay for a stranger’s things
  • Start living healthier
  • Go shark diving
  • Get a tattoo that means something to you
  • Win a toy from the claw machine
  • Test drive a car you could never afford as of now
  • Take a yoga class
  • Take a trapeze class
  • Sleep outside under the stars
  • Take a bartending class
  • Cliff Jump
  • Order dessert first
  • Order salad last 😉
  • Buy something that is name brand
  • Buy something from a thrift store
  • Contribute to society
  • Learn to ride a bike
  • Learn to ice skate
  • Say and memorize the alphabet backwards
  • Swap everything in your closet with someone else and try a new style
  • Complete a man VS. food challenge
  • Ride a motorcycle
  • Shoot a gun
  • Leave a mark on the world
  • Figure out how to be happy
  • Accept the things you cannot change
  • Stop wanting people who don’t want you
  • buy your own star
  • See Disney
  • Create a popular blog
  • Love yourself completely

An Open Letter to My Husband

Where to begin with this post? This came to me as I was driving home from work tonight, as a lot of my posts do. So here ya go.

 

This letter is to my husband, but also applies to any other husband who has dealt with the struggle of trying to keep it together, for her.

 

Dear husband,

Yes you. You think I don’t see you. You think I don’t see the mask you pull on every day to appear strong for me, but I do. You think I don’t see how heartbroken you are too, but I do. You think I don’t remember the tears you’ve shed in silence, trying to hide it, but I do. I see you. I see a rugged, enduring, never budging force to be reckoned with. You, you are what I wish to be. All those times I’ve cried in front of you, taking for granted that you’ve endured it to; I wished I could have been the one strong for you. You stood unwavering watching me unravel, and come apart, all the while you kept us together. You stood like the line of kids in a red rover game trying your best, holding my hand, and keeping the impending doom from hurling through us. You have watched me struggle and fall. You have listened to my pleads and screams. You have watched be become nothing and then become something again. You. You are undervalued, underappreciated, and forgotten about in the face of others. Others don’t look to you and try to comfort you after loss; they look to the mother, but no more will you be abandoned. I want you to know I value you. I appreciate you. I remember you. You are the rock steady foundation used to rebuild the ruins of our life. If it were not for you, I couldn’t have rebuilt. If it were not for you I don’t know where I’d be. Thank you.

Love,

 

Your wife

The Tough Mom’s Guide to Tough Toddlers

So I haven’t written in a while because I was stumped for great content. I’m not going to post just to post, but I want to inspire others, and tonight I watched a blogger’s video that gave me my inspiration back, at least for tonight. It’s seriously 2:00 A.M. and my eyelids are starting to drag, I’m fueling myself with a huge sandwich and Harry Potter to keep myself awake after working an 8.5 hour shift, so I’m going to try to keep this short so I can go snooze, but I wanted to update. So, Everyone who reads my blog knows I have a rainbow, and I thank the moon and stars for her daily, but my rainbow is a bag full of sass, tantrum, and fire breathing dragon. Some days I try not to lose my mind from all the screaming she does, and other days she’s the sweetest, cuddliest, and most pleasant little two year old I’ve ever met…Oh yeah she’s TWO now! WHAT?!  Anywho, So here are my tips to rearing a tough toddler.

 

 

Yep, that’s my kid at the beginning of swim class. She wasn’t happy. I wanted to use a picture of her depicting the dragon side of her whilst not showing her face fully because you know, privacy. So here’s my toddler, at swim class, a feat in it of itself. I usually refuse to go anywhere with her because, you know, judging. We are a judgy world, and I really don’t have the patience to deal with being judged, so I normally stay home with the kiddo; then I realized after going to swim class that I was doing this little beauty an injustice. I was letting the fear of others keep my little bit from experiencing what life has to offer, well no more, so this is one of the reasons I felt compelled to write this. For the little bit!

RULE NUMERO UNO! – SCREW EVERYONE ELSE – If you have a tough toddler, dragon, sassy pants bitty human, then you know. You know the looks and the awful pressure glares that are given when the kid throws themselves fully into a passion fueled interpretive dance (tatrum)  and all you want to do is throw the twenty dollar bill at the cashier, yell keep the penny, and barrel outta there with SOME dignity left, so for the most part you avoid going out like the plague. You’ve adopted amazon shopping like an agorabophe and even contemplate never leaving the house as a good conflict resolution tactic. Well, let me tell you DON’T DO THIS! I’ve been making this mistake for quite some time, but then I saw the face of my kid during the VERY FEW happy moments at swim class. If I’d have dodged this activity because of fear then we wouldn’t have made these memories, and yes I did get stares because of her full hour long screamfest, but it was worth it! I’m going to venture out more with the kid, and you should too!

 

RULE NUMERO DOS- HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR – OOORRR, you’ll never get out alive. This parenting thing isn’t for the faint of heart. Grab a glass of wine, or a margarita in my case, and laugh about the stories you have to tell, just don’t laugh in front of the kid when they’re not doing what they’re supposed to because then it gives them the go ahead to keep acting a fool. I know it’s hard just think of someone stealing your carbs, or wine, or something. Keep a straight, stern face and voice. Kids can smell fear, laughter, and sugar.

 

RULE NUMERO THREE – TAKE A BREATH – If you don’t breathe you deprive yourself of oxygen and can’t think, and then you start to scream. Then the kid has dumped the dog water all over the floor, grabbed your wallet and dumped it out, and you’ve slipped, fell, and lost your credit card because you lost control. DON’T GIVE THE TERRORIST (CHILD) the control. << I say that slightly joking, but sometimes it’s a very close comparison.

RULE NUMERO FOUR – LOVE THAT TINY HUMAN – Just stare at the angry tiny human and see that you made that. That scary looking little being in front of you may be terrifying now, but if you stare past their attitudes and shrieks, you’ll notice a frustrated child in need of understanding. You may be frustrated because you can’t understand what they need at that particular time, but just look, really look at them and see the love you have for them. Just stare in awe of how amazing that grumpy little dragon is. Someday soon it’ll all change, so soak up every minute with that angry kiddo.

 

RULE NUMBER FIVE – GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK – Know you’re doing the best you can with the sanity you have. Be gentle with yourself and your kiddo. Things will get better.

 

Much Love,

 

Nicole XOXO

“13 Reasons Why” an insider’s perspective

Picture taken at Medical City Children’s Hospital in Dallas

I’ve written and rewritten this post three times because it’s such a hard topic to talk about, but here it goes; If you haven’t seen the Netflix original series “13 Reasons Why.” Go watch it before you read this if you don’t want spoilers.

I must begin with saying this is the dark part of my blog and the dark part of me. I feel it is necessary to share this because suicide is so prevalent and such a taboo subject. I’ve recently read many people state their opinions on this show. If you do not know what the show is about let me break it down for you. A high school girl, Hannah Baker, commits suicide and leaves 13 tapes stating why. She tells each person on the tapes why she took her life and why she blamed them.

I am torn in two directions as how to approach this. Is the show ethical because they are assigning blame to others for her taking her life? I’ve seen comments stating that nobody is responsible for anyone taking their own life. I kind of agree and disagree at the same time. For one, no one can make you do anything you don’t want to do (unless by force then it’s a totally different conversation entirely) but people can make things appealing because of their actions, so suicide. Why? Why would someone take their own life?  Is it really wrong to agree that others can have a part in making someone else feel so low in life that they take their own? I’m torn. I’m torn because it isn’t black and white. Can someone take responsibility in someone else’s death who didn’t physically take part in it? In Hannah’s case, she was bullied. In the mind of someone who is desperate and drowning in depression every action or inaction has a domino effect. Here’s the part that sheds light on the darkest part of me. I hate to even share this because I’m stripping myself to the core. I’m showing the most vulnerable part of me, so as a disclaimer, not nice comments will be deleted. This isn’t for attention it’s to shed light on an epidemic that no one seems to comprehend. This insight is from an insider’s perspective. I once was a child. I once was a very sad child I might add. My home life was less than less than ideal, domestic violence, homelessness, moving from city to city, and living with a mentally disabled parent who acts like they hate you most days will do that to a child, but anyhow like I mentioned in other posts I have always suffered from depression, but suicide has always been in the back of my mind. I’m not sure if I’ve ever really told anyone that, but it’s the truth; it’s a horrible and sad truth. My truth.

Why would anyone WANT to take their life? Let me explain. It’s not a want. What does suicide ideation feel like? It feels like nothing. Like the show said later on in a spot-on description that Hannah gave that actually made me cry. I’m not talking one glistening tear, I’m talking full on enchilada bawling my eyes out. This show hit the nail on the head when describing her feelings. It feels as if you’re already dead. Contemplating suicide isn’t about wanting attention or wanting to be dead. It’s about already being dead on the inside. Inside your insides are screaming let it stop and outside you sit still and quiet begging someone hears you, begging someone to breathe life back into you. Suicide isn’t about being selfish and about other people. It’s about the human heart. Suicide is about having a broken heart. I’m not talking about break up broken heart, I’m talking about disappointment broken heart. Now let me tie the first paragraph into this one, because I’m not rambling here. I need you to understand that everything I say is interconnected. How do others play into someone committing suicide if suicidal ideation is about that person’s broken heart and not about other people? People commit suicide because of this, LONELINESS. Humans are a social race. Look it up, it’s actually considered torture to isolate prisoners, so think of a human battling a war inside their own mind and they have no one to reach out to. This is why we commit suicide. It’s not because Sally and John broke up and Sally is sad. It’s because Sally had a million things going on inside her head and no one to work her problems out with. Suicide isn’t as simple as people think it is. Suicide and depression play a mean little trick on their victims making them think that everyone is against them. They think they have no one. The feel as if they wouldn’t be heard, understood, or even listened to. They think nothing will change. They say I’m dead inside anyways so why shouldn’t I just match my insides to my outsides and fade to black?  Black is so much more peaceful they think. Asking someone if they want to kill themselves is almost always the way to get a lie. The person being asked knows they’d be committed to a hospital if they answer truthfully. I’m not a healthcare professional as of yet, but I’d like to point out the logic is flawed in just asking. If you suspect someone is wrestling with the idea be there for them. The person needs someone, anyone. Be a shoulder to cry on, help them get help, give them the suicide hotline number if it comes up, let them know they aren’t alone. Tell them. They may not hear it fully but the more times they hear you the more it’ll sink in. I hope this makes you realize that in life everything is about connections. If someone doesn’t feel connected and feels isolated to the core help get them help. Now I digress, back to the point about being torn. Is it anyone else’s fault someone else takes their life? I believe it really depends on the situation, but my thought is this, if you see someone and know they are battling with hopelessness try to reach out. They may need you more than you think. Please please don’t just take their word for it until you feel 100% comfortable they aren’t wrestling with the idea of taking their life. You should definitely be aware of how your actions or lack thereof impact others. There are signs to look for, such as: talk of hopelessness, feeling like a burden, no reason to live, isolation, increased drug or alcohol use, sleeping too much or too little, saying goodbyes, anxiety, depression, and many other moods are associated with suicide.  I hope this can at least help one person. If you see that someone needs help reach out and let them know there is a brighter tomorrow. Please pass on this article and the below information, maybe this can help save a life who thought they couldn’t be saved.

Med City at a hospital stay

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

HOW TO PREPARE YOURSELF BEFORE YOUR RAINBOW ARRIVES

I remember I was a complete wreck, I mean nervous ball of nauseous, dizzy, scared out-of-my-mind wreck, the night and weeks leading up to the birth of my rainbow girl. My husband was so excited for the birth of his first bio babe and I was reliving the death of our first child. He kept reminding me that tomorrow was the day. I knew, oh boy did I ever know. My nausea was ever present and reminded me every day I was due to pop out another life soon. I was shaking in my socks. There was nothing, and still has been nothing since, that has scared me after the death of my son, like the birth of my daughter. The birthing eve, as I’ll call it, my husband and I ended up yelling at each other because I finally broke and couldn’t take ANOTHER reminder that I’m going to be cut open and have a child ripped from my womb. I couldn’t take ANOTHER reminder that I would have to see another dreaded monitor screaming I’m alive and my first born isn’t. My husband slept on the couch on the birthing eve while I stared up at the ceiling drowning in terror. We headed out at 4:30 A.M. and the panic was tearing me up inside. I mean, I should be happy. I get another chance to be a mommy. My baby is supposedly heart-healthy. I was about to have a new-born. It took quite a long time to get everything set up and then we FINALLY headed into surgery after the epidural had taken effect. I still remember how bad I was shaking. I had my husband hold my hand while he was recording, trying to see over the blue sheet, and trying to keep me calm. I wasn’t calm. I remember my burly husband saying that his hand hurt really bad because of how hard I was squeezing. I couldn’t help it. The time before they cut me open and she was born was a not to pleasant one. The hubs has it recorded, but I refuse to watch it. I was sheer panic in a robe. The anesthesiologist gave me meds that should have repressed my nausea, but the anxiety was so much so that I actually, through sobs, screams, and garbled attempts to post-pone the c-section to another day, threw up on him. He was a trooper y’all. I felt bad for him, and to this day I’m still super thankful he handled it all with grace because I handled it with, well, not grace. The point to this story is that I was significantly unprepared to have my child after my loss. I was pretty much in denial for the last month that I was ready to pop. My hopes for this post is to help prepare you in a better manner than I was for the arrival of your rainbow.

 

 

Okay, Okay. I know there’s really no way to be fully and completely prepared because it’s a whole other life being born, but I think you can prepare yourself to an extent. What I wish I would have done before my kiddo came barreling out of my uterus is the following:

 

1.Make Peace- Try to become at peace with the idea that this child is coming and not on your time. I got so caught up in the things I’d be missing with Callan, I didn’t realize time was ticking away until I would be responsible for another life. I was grieving so hard that I couldn’t begin to think of actually having another child, and I thought I could make time slow down so I didn’t have to cope with the thought of having another child.

 

2. Realize This Person is a Different, Unique Person – There may be similarities between your angel and rainbow, but they are different and it’s a good thing. Try to look at your rainbow and appreciate both the similarities and especially the differences. Be happy in the fact that you were blessed to get to see another wonderful human being grow into another wonderful adult. Think of how you should be proud of yourself for creating a whole other tiny human, and how you are that tiny human’s world. They may have similarities, but they aren’t the same.

 

3. Try to Bond – This one is hard because your heart is broken into a million little pieces, and you’re afraid of being broken further. How can something so small have such an impact on your heart? Try to ignore the urge to put up walls and protect yourself. This rainbow is your light in the dark and just like this baby needs you, you need your rainbow.

 

4. Talk to Someone about Your Anxieties – There is no shame in telling someone how terrified you might be of having another babe. It’s perfectly okay if you need to talk to a counselor or therapist or even a friend or family member. Talk it out with someone and help create a plan to help you deal with your nerves.

 

 

I hope this list has helped, and please feel free to comment any other suggestions that might help someone in need.

 

Thanks,

 

Nicole XOXO

 

I’m Lost and I’m angry with God are You too?

Let me preface this post by saying, Yes, I’m a Christian and I may write some posts about Christian things, but if you yourself are not Christian I still welcome you and implore you to read my blog. We all have our own beliefs and I promise to not belittle anyone because they have a different faith or lack thereof, so that being said I expect the same respect. If you do not agree with my faith and solely comment to state my faith is wrong or belittle my faith in any way your comment will be deleted with zero tolerance. Now onto better things. I’m angry with God. Why you ask? I’m furious because the notion I once had of him as a loving father was taken away. I’m furious because I thought I knew God. I’m furious because when I was at my weakest and most vulnerable he was nowhere around. The footprints in the sand had only one set, but they were mine and I definitely was not carried, I stumbled and crawled. I walked that beach alone. I cried and called upon him, yet he sat silent. Some may argue, but no, I was utterly alone. I screamed God’s name begging him to comfort me, to take me, to heal me, to do something, but yet I laid scarred and abandoned. Late at night I’d Google what was Heaven like for babies, and there, solely there, I found a miniscule amount of calm. I’ve been to church once in the time my son gained entrance to Heaven. The entire time I was there I was torn. I wanted to worship, wanted to praise, wanted to sing and love, but I couldn’t. I nearly busted from the anxiety I had at trying to keep my composure. Singing about Heaven, for most would be a peaceful activity, but for me it was torture. I had to wipe the tears back so as to keep the façade up that I was ok. I couldn’t sing about praise and Heaven because I’m singing about the place that holds my child that I cannot visit. Why did I decide to write this? This was not meant to scream at God for who he took from me. This was not a poor poor pitiful me passage to get people to turn from God. This is to reach out to others who have the same affliction as I, a confused relationship with God. I full heartedly believe there is a God and my son is on his lap surrounded by others in angelic light; he is happy and whole. I believe God has a plan, but I have no idea what that is or why it had to involve losing my child. I pray. I actually pray a lot, but I talk more to my son than to God. I don’t know what to say to God. It’s kind of like an estrangement at the moment. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the same faith in God I once had, or that I’ll still have the same relationship I once had, or if I’ll ever call onto God with the same childlike wonder I used to, but I still love him. I love him because even though he took my son home to Heaven, he protects my child. He has my son in the most beautiful and happy place in the vast beyond. Beyond what we know to be truth, beyond what our minds can comprehend, beyond the natural, my son is safe, my son is whole, and my son is happy. I love God for giving my son the gift of peace. The suffering of me is great and more pain than I’ve ever known, but I thank him for holding my son in his arms while I cannot. I wondered if it was religiously ok to be angry at God, and so I did some research and I came back with this, “Cast your cares on to the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalms 55:22. I think this means that God knows and accepts your worries. Give them to him this says, so just as a child would do, give your anger to God. Tell God you’re anger, disappointment, resentment, and confusion. Our purpose is to have a relationship with God akin to a father-child relationship, so share your troubles with him. I’m no expert on God or the Bible, but what I know in my heart is that my God is loving. Right now I may not see it, but like with me and my own dad we’ve had our ups and downs but we always come back around. So, I’m angry. I’m angry for many reasons, but I know that God will stand by me while I find my way back to him. God was silent and I don’t know why, but I know he listens. He heard every scream, every tear drop, every gasp of air I couldn’t catch, and every prayer I sent. I’m truly confused as to what his plan is, but it seems to get a little less blurry every day. For me, I now advocate for CHD (congenital heart defect) awareness, I started to write about my truth, and I’ve been told I help others. I don’t understand his plan or even pretend to like it, but I’m trying to find a way back to him. If you’re finding yourself in this same mess know it’s ok. It’s ok to be lost. Like falling down the rabbit hole and coming out the other side, nothing seems to make sense. Most witnesses who speak upon the greatness of the Lord have pasts that left them in a bleak spiritual state. How do you know if you’re growing as a Christian if there are no trials and tribulations? It’s not fair and the anger is still in me, but I have peace in knowing one day I might just find God again. Something a fellow angel mom said was this,” satan comes to kill, steal and destroy, and as long as he’s in this world there’s going to be such pain and heartache…. I know that this is no comfort at all, but he’s who’s to blame for all of this. Satan isn’t going to hurt the people who don’t follow Christ or know Jesus as their savior. Not trying to be preachy, but satan doesn’t need to waste his nasty time on people who are already on the wrong road. He tries to derail those of us who love and trust in the Lord… That’s just how it is. Freakin sucks, everything about it hurts too much for words.”

 

We are all on a spiritual journey and hopefully we all find peace,

 

Nicole

How to Land Some Major Energy QUICK!

If you’re like me then you’re always dragging. No matter what I do I am always tired, partly because I’m a mom and partly because of emotional baggage, so my husband ventured out to find a new energy supplement for us, because he’s always dragging too. He came back with a canister of Shatter SX7 Black Onyx Ripped, now I know that the name is really long, but I usually just call it Shatter. I’m telling you every energy shot, drink, and shake I’ve taken has failed to give me that umph! I needed. I was really skeptical that this would even work considering my husband gave me a RedLine and that didn’t even give me a boost of energy. I thought I was going to be zombified forever, but to my surprise this stuff actually worked for me. I thought the price might be a little on the expensive side, but it’s a month’s supply and my husband said it’s actually cheaper than buying something every day.

 

The first time I drank it I made the mistake of not chugging and just sipped on the 12 ounces, so I literally got no extra energy at all. I was so disappointed. Then about two weeks later I was so tired, but had to go into work, so I took my hubs advice and downed the raspberry lemonade flavored drink in about two minutes (I get tummy aches if I chug fast so normally I don’t) A weird warm tingling sensation came over my body in about ten minutes after the drink was finished. I did get pretty warm not going to lie, but when I got to work I HONESTLY finished about five hours’ worth of work in THREE. I, since then, have used this stuff frequently, but not every day. I think it’s important in the mom world to share our secrets to help each other out, so this is mine. If you want to know how to get energy then this is the way. I’d definitely talk to a doctor beforehand because I’m not certified to give advice on the healthiness of this, but what I do know is it works for me. I will not promote anything I do not fully 100% love and I LOVE this stuff! It’s tart to the taste, but in a goodish way. This is seriously one of the only energy supplements I’ve EVER taken that works for me. I drag all day around the house, but on days I take this stuff I’m motivated to actually get things done! Like I said before, consult your doctor if this is the best option for you.

 

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