Picture taken at Medical City Children’s Hospital in Dallas

I’ve written and rewritten this post three times because it’s such a hard topic to talk about, but here it goes; If you haven’t seen the Netflix original series “13 Reasons Why.” Go watch it before you read this if you don’t want spoilers.

I must begin with saying this is the dark part of my blog and the dark part of me. I feel it is necessary to share this because suicide is so prevalent and such a taboo subject. I’ve recently read many people state their opinions on this show. If you do not know what the show is about let me break it down for you. A high school girl, Hannah Baker, commits suicide and leaves 13 tapes stating why. She tells each person on the tapes why she took her life and why she blamed them.

I am torn in two directions as how to approach this. Is the show ethical because they are assigning blame to others for her taking her life? I’ve seen comments stating that nobody is responsible for anyone taking their own life. I kind of agree and disagree at the same time. For one, no one can make you do anything you don’t want to do (unless by force then it’s a totally different conversation entirely) but people can make things appealing because of their actions, so suicide. Why? Why would someone take their own life?  Is it really wrong to agree that others can have a part in making someone else feel so low in life that they take their own? I’m torn. I’m torn because it isn’t black and white. Can someone take responsibility in someone else’s death who didn’t physically take part in it? In Hannah’s case, she was bullied. In the mind of someone who is desperate and drowning in depression every action or inaction has a domino effect. Here’s the part that sheds light on the darkest part of me. I hate to even share this because I’m stripping myself to the core. I’m showing the most vulnerable part of me, so as a disclaimer, not nice comments will be deleted. This isn’t for attention it’s to shed light on an epidemic that no one seems to comprehend. This insight is from an insider’s perspective. I once was a child. I once was a very sad child I might add. My home life was less than less than ideal, domestic violence, homelessness, moving from city to city, and living with a mentally disabled parent who acts like they hate you most days will do that to a child, but anyhow like I mentioned in other posts I have always suffered from depression, but suicide has always been in the back of my mind. I’m not sure if I’ve ever really told anyone that, but it’s the truth; it’s a horrible and sad truth. My truth.

Why would anyone WANT to take their life? Let me explain. It’s not a want. What does suicide ideation feel like? It feels like nothing. Like the show said later on in a spot-on description that Hannah gave that actually made me cry. I’m not talking one glistening tear, I’m talking full on enchilada bawling my eyes out. This show hit the nail on the head when describing her feelings. It feels as if you’re already dead. Contemplating suicide isn’t about wanting attention or wanting to be dead. It’s about already being dead on the inside. Inside your insides are screaming let it stop and outside you sit still and quiet begging someone hears you, begging someone to breathe life back into you. Suicide isn’t about being selfish and about other people. It’s about the human heart. Suicide is about having a broken heart. I’m not talking about break up broken heart, I’m talking about disappointment broken heart. Now let me tie the first paragraph into this one, because I’m not rambling here. I need you to understand that everything I say is interconnected. How do others play into someone committing suicide if suicidal ideation is about that person’s broken heart and not about other people? People commit suicide because of this, LONELINESS. Humans are a social race. Look it up, it’s actually considered torture to isolate prisoners, so think of a human battling a war inside their own mind and they have no one to reach out to. This is why we commit suicide. It’s not because Sally and John broke up and Sally is sad. It’s because Sally had a million things going on inside her head and no one to work her problems out with. Suicide isn’t as simple as people think it is. Suicide and depression play a mean little trick on their victims making them think that everyone is against them. They think they have no one. The feel as if they wouldn’t be heard, understood, or even listened to. They think nothing will change. They say I’m dead inside anyways so why shouldn’t I just match my insides to my outsides and fade to black?  Black is so much more peaceful they think. Asking someone if they want to kill themselves is almost always the way to get a lie. The person being asked knows they’d be committed to a hospital if they answer truthfully. I’m not a healthcare professional as of yet, but I’d like to point out the logic is flawed in just asking. If you suspect someone is wrestling with the idea be there for them. The person needs someone, anyone. Be a shoulder to cry on, help them get help, give them the suicide hotline number if it comes up, let them know they aren’t alone. Tell them. They may not hear it fully but the more times they hear you the more it’ll sink in. I hope this makes you realize that in life everything is about connections. If someone doesn’t feel connected and feels isolated to the core help get them help. Now I digress, back to the point about being torn. Is it anyone else’s fault someone else takes their life? I believe it really depends on the situation, but my thought is this, if you see someone and know they are battling with hopelessness try to reach out. They may need you more than you think. Please please don’t just take their word for it until you feel 100% comfortable they aren’t wrestling with the idea of taking their life. You should definitely be aware of how your actions or lack thereof impact others. There are signs to look for, such as: talk of hopelessness, feeling like a burden, no reason to live, isolation, increased drug or alcohol use, sleeping too much or too little, saying goodbyes, anxiety, depression, and many other moods are associated with suicide.  I hope this can at least help one person. If you see that someone needs help reach out and let them know there is a brighter tomorrow. Please pass on this article and the below information, maybe this can help save a life who thought they couldn’t be saved.

Med City at a hospital stay

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

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