I remember I was a complete wreck, I mean nervous ball of nauseous, dizzy, scared out-of-my-mind wreck, the night and weeks leading up to the birth of my rainbow girl. My husband was so excited for the birth of his first bio babe and I was reliving the death of our first child. He kept reminding me that tomorrow was the day. I knew, oh boy did I ever know. My nausea was ever present and reminded me every day I was due to pop out another life soon. I was shaking in my socks. There was nothing, and still has been nothing since, that has scared me after the death of my son, like the birth of my daughter. The birthing eve, as I’ll call it, my husband and I ended up yelling at each other because I finally broke and couldn’t take ANOTHER reminder that I’m going to be cut open and have a child ripped from my womb. I couldn’t take ANOTHER reminder that I would have to see another dreaded monitor screaming I’m alive and my first born isn’t. My husband slept on the couch on the birthing eve while I stared up at the ceiling drowning in terror. We headed out at 4:30 A.M. and the panic was tearing me up inside. I mean, I should be happy. I get another chance to be a mommy. My baby is supposedly heart-healthy. I was about to have a new-born. It took quite a long time to get everything set up and then we FINALLY headed into surgery after the epidural had taken effect. I still remember how bad I was shaking. I had my husband hold my hand while he was recording, trying to see over the blue sheet, and trying to keep me calm. I wasn’t calm. I remember my burly husband saying that his hand hurt really bad because of how hard I was squeezing. I couldn’t help it. The time before they cut me open and she was born was a not to pleasant one. The hubs has it recorded, but I refuse to watch it. I was sheer panic in a robe. The anesthesiologist gave me meds that should have repressed my nausea, but the anxiety was so much so that I actually, through sobs, screams, and garbled attempts to post-pone the c-section to another day, threw up on him. He was a trooper y’all. I felt bad for him, and to this day I’m still super thankful he handled it all with grace because I handled it with, well, not grace. The point to this story is that I was significantly unprepared to have my child after my loss. I was pretty much in denial for the last month that I was ready to pop. My hopes for this post is to help prepare you in a better manner than I was for the arrival of your rainbow.
Okay, Okay. I know there’s really no way to be fully and completely prepared because it’s a whole other life being born, but I think you can prepare yourself to an extent. What I wish I would have done before my kiddo came barreling out of my uterus is the following:
1.Make Peace- Try to become at peace with the idea that this child is coming and not on your time. I got so caught up in the things I’d be missing with Callan, I didn’t realize time was ticking away until I would be responsible for another life. I was grieving so hard that I couldn’t begin to think of actually having another child, and I thought I could make time slow down so I didn’t have to cope with the thought of having another child.
2. Realize This Person is a Different, Unique Person – There may be similarities between your angel and rainbow, but they are different and it’s a good thing. Try to look at your rainbow and appreciate both the similarities and especially the differences. Be happy in the fact that you were blessed to get to see another wonderful human being grow into another wonderful adult. Think of how you should be proud of yourself for creating a whole other tiny human, and how you are that tiny human’s world. They may have similarities, but they aren’t the same.
3. Try to Bond – This one is hard because your heart is broken into a million little pieces, and you’re afraid of being broken further. How can something so small have such an impact on your heart? Try to ignore the urge to put up walls and protect yourself. This rainbow is your light in the dark and just like this baby needs you, you need your rainbow.
4. Talk to Someone about Your Anxieties – There is no shame in telling someone how terrified you might be of having another babe. It’s perfectly okay if you need to talk to a counselor or therapist or even a friend or family member. Talk it out with someone and help create a plan to help you deal with your nerves.
I hope this list has helped, and please feel free to comment any other suggestions that might help someone in need.