Let me preface this post by saying, Yes, I’m a Christian and I may write some posts about Christian things, but if you yourself are not Christian I still welcome you and implore you to read my blog. We all have our own beliefs and I promise to not belittle anyone because they have a different faith or lack thereof, so that being said I expect the same respect. If you do not agree with my faith and solely comment to state my faith is wrong or belittle my faith in any way your comment will be deleted with zero tolerance. Now onto better things. I’m angry with God. Why you ask? I’m furious because the notion I once had of him as a loving father was taken away. I’m furious because I thought I knew God. I’m furious because when I was at my weakest and most vulnerable he was nowhere around. The footprints in the sand had only one set, but they were mine and I definitely was not carried, I stumbled and crawled. I walked that beach alone. I cried and called upon him, yet he sat silent. Some may argue, but no, I was utterly alone. I screamed God’s name begging him to comfort me, to take me, to heal me, to do something, but yet I laid scarred and abandoned. Late at night I’d Google what was Heaven like for babies, and there, solely there, I found a miniscule amount of calm. I’ve been to church once in the time my son gained entrance to Heaven. The entire time I was there I was torn. I wanted to worship, wanted to praise, wanted to sing and love, but I couldn’t. I nearly busted from the anxiety I had at trying to keep my composure. Singing about Heaven, for most would be a peaceful activity, but for me it was torture. I had to wipe the tears back so as to keep the façade up that I was ok. I couldn’t sing about praise and Heaven because I’m singing about the place that holds my child that I cannot visit. Why did I decide to write this? This was not meant to scream at God for who he took from me. This was not a poor poor pitiful me passage to get people to turn from God. This is to reach out to others who have the same affliction as I, a confused relationship with God. I full heartedly believe there is a God and my son is on his lap surrounded by others in angelic light; he is happy and whole. I believe God has a plan, but I have no idea what that is or why it had to involve losing my child. I pray. I actually pray a lot, but I talk more to my son than to God. I don’t know what to say to God. It’s kind of like an estrangement at the moment. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the same faith in God I once had, or that I’ll still have the same relationship I once had, or if I’ll ever call onto God with the same childlike wonder I used to, but I still love him. I love him because even though he took my son home to Heaven, he protects my child. He has my son in the most beautiful and happy place in the vast beyond. Beyond what we know to be truth, beyond what our minds can comprehend, beyond the natural, my son is safe, my son is whole, and my son is happy. I love God for giving my son the gift of peace. The suffering of me is great and more pain than I’ve ever known, but I thank him for holding my son in his arms while I cannot. I wondered if it was religiously ok to be angry at God, and so I did some research and I came back with this, “Cast your cares on to the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalms 55:22. I think this means that God knows and accepts your worries. Give them to him this says, so just as a child would do, give your anger to God. Tell God you’re anger, disappointment, resentment, and confusion. Our purpose is to have a relationship with God akin to a father-child relationship, so share your troubles with him. I’m no expert on God or the Bible, but what I know in my heart is that my God is loving. Right now I may not see it, but like with me and my own dad we’ve had our ups and downs but we always come back around. So, I’m angry. I’m angry for many reasons, but I know that God will stand by me while I find my way back to him. God was silent and I don’t know why, but I know he listens. He heard every scream, every tear drop, every gasp of air I couldn’t catch, and every prayer I sent. I’m truly confused as to what his plan is, but it seems to get a little less blurry every day. For me, I now advocate for CHD (congenital heart defect) awareness, I started to write about my truth, and I’ve been told I help others. I don’t understand his plan or even pretend to like it, but I’m trying to find a way back to him. If you’re finding yourself in this same mess know it’s ok. It’s ok to be lost. Like falling down the rabbit hole and coming out the other side, nothing seems to make sense. Most witnesses who speak upon the greatness of the Lord have pasts that left them in a bleak spiritual state. How do you know if you’re growing as a Christian if there are no trials and tribulations? It’s not fair and the anger is still in me, but I have peace in knowing one day I might just find God again. Something a fellow angel mom said was this,” satan comes to kill, steal and destroy, and as long as he’s in this world there’s going to be such pain and heartache…. I know that this is no comfort at all, but he’s who’s to blame for all of this. Satan isn’t going to hurt the people who don’t follow Christ or know Jesus as their savior. Not trying to be preachy, but satan doesn’t need to waste his nasty time on people who are already on the wrong road. He tries to derail those of us who love and trust in the Lord… That’s just how it is. Freakin sucks, everything about it hurts too much for words.”

 

We are all on a spiritual journey and hopefully we all find peace,

 

Nicole

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